Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
