Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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