So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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