i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
