I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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