i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
