My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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