Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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