dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
