My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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