also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
