Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
