If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
