Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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