I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
