You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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