An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just gift wrapped bread.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
