I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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