I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
