how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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