your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I cut my penus on the lid.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
