I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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