She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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