It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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