i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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