Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wish I only lived at night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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