Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
two words: eviction party
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
