she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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