Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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