So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
