you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
