dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
