i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
