I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The Olympian is in my bed
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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