Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
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