I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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