I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
