Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
