just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
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I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
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But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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