I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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