and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
