Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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