my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
