Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
