Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize