i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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