all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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