Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
