why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
