Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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