hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
