Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
