Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
