My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
