I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
