I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
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then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
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I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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