My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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