Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
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Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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