Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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