Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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