Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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